To start all you readers off with a small dose of my stupidity/lack of the “think before you act” part in my conscience.… here’s what happened.My buddy Mike Zebe called me up earlier today and said, “Hey man, you wanna go for a warm up run at Kelly’s?” (For you non-Idahoans, that’s a super old school ski hill).
I said, “Sure!”
He said, “Sweet!”
I said, “Meet you up there?”
He said, “Sweet!”
I said, “Sweet!”
So in a ten second conversation, my night was planned. But the foolish act that spawns this tale came as I drove alone in my car up to the ski hill to shred the icy slopes.
The night before I had indulged myself with the sweet nectar of the Mexican soda “Jarritos” found at any local 24 hour Mexican food joint, commonly known as Betos or Albertos). This beverage comes in a glass bottle, which is actually relevant to the story.
So, I’m stopped at a light in Idaho Falls on my way to Kelly’s, and this empty bottle is in the cup holder. I noticed that the ring finger on my right hand was able to fit into the top of the bottle, but my knuckle wouldn’t fit. I thought to myself, “I wonder if I could fit my whole finger in there.” (Think about that for a second, cause the logic of the whole situation never occurred to me ‘til it was too late.) So to the beat of the music playing, I bounced my finger up and down and then made the plunge….
It worked! I got my whole ring finger through the top of the bottle! (For a few seconds I was actually proud of my little accomplishment and I started to smile with satisfaction… but then I realized what I had done.)
My immediate reaction was to pull my finger right back out, but it wouldn’t budge. A small panic rushed over me as I pulled and tugged at my hand trying to release it from the Mexican beverage’s death grip, but it was in vain.
The car behind me started honking. In my struggles the light had turned green, and I was forced to drive. I tried to keep my cool as I drove down 17th street periodically attempting to yank my finger free. I might have been able to hide the embarrassment from other drivers on the road, but thanks to the icy/snowy conditions, the 10 and 2 steering wheel position was a must.
So there I was weaving through traffic, getting all sorts of weird looks from people as the bottle (attached to my finger) flopped around on the dashboard. I turned into a parking lot and stopped the car. I contemplated how I could go about removing the glass finger trap.
“I could just pull REALLY hard”… Nope.
“I could twist it off”… Nope.
“Ding!” Then the light bulb came on. “I’ll just break the bottle!”
I got out of the car, swung my hand above my head and smashed the bottle on the asphalt. (I wouldn’t recommend doing that. It hurt REALLY bad). The bottle broke, but the neck of the bottle was still tight around my finger. A jagged glass covering for a finger.
“AHHH, YOU STUPID IDIOT!” I shook my hand and screamed in frustration. A few Wendy’s drive thru customers looked at me with wide eyes, probably thinking I was some dude that couldn’t handle the stress of the Christmas season, and had finally snapped.
I was desperate now. I tried to hide my hand as I ran into the nearby Wendy’s. I opened the door and rushed to the sink. I used the rapid fire technique on the soap lever and lubricated the broken glass bottle. I counted to three and twisted it free from my finger.
I gave a sigh of relief and looked at myself in the mirror. Beads of sweat rolling down my face, a purple ring finger, a broken bottle neck in the sink… and all I could do was laugh.
I made it snowboarding, and had a great time, but the moral of todays blog is:
1. Think before you go plunging your finger into the top of a bottle, and
2. Drink Jarittos! (especially the pineapple one, its real good).
